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November 24th 2006

3:37 p.m. :: 2006-11-24

Jeremy,
This is such a paradox. I think to myself, maybe all this shit is just a sign that you and I were not only not meant to be, but can't be. It's only been a couple weeks, and already I've badly hurt you. Wouldn't you have been happier if nothing had changed over this month?
Then I think, maybe this is all a test to see if our love is strong enough to endure through everything. Maybe it's all a test, including Core. Like, maybe I met him just to see if my love for you was strong enough. Then I think maybe I met Core because something has to pull me away from you.
Everything seems to point back down to you and me. My meditations, my dreams, my fears, my wants, my needs... Why do all of my thoughts circle back to you.
I told Core about what's happened, except for the part about you. Well, actually, I told him about you without telling him about you at all. I told him that I won't reveal your name because that would just create drama in the future, so I told him your new name is Eric. I told him that I care about you, and that I want to be with you, but there are so many obsticals that I don't know what to do.
I told him about loving you for the last four years, and how I'm not sure if that means that we're meant to be together, or if that means I just don't know how to let go.
I told him if he gave me something serious that him and I certainly would never be doing anything together ever again, but regardless he should get tested. He agreed, and was almost painfully understanding and sympathetic. In fact, he acted so exactly how he should have that I wonder if it was an act.
Travanti called me this morning, asking me if I had been sleeping with anybody. I told him I hadn't. I don't need that drama with him, he'd probably show up at the door and demand that I bring him to Core and other bull shit. And I certainly wouldn't mention anything of you.
I hate weaving these lies, which also feels like a sign that something is wrong, that there is something I'm missing. It brings me back to wanting to be single. I just wish I knew how.
Everything that's going on right now is just all such bull shit. I wish I could run away somewhere. I wish I didn't have this itch, so that I could get to working on the attic. I want to stop calling it an attic and start calling it my apartment.
I want a lot. I think I want too much. I think Jesus is trying to tell me to stop being so greedy and just work with what I have.
If I would just learn how to make friends, then I wouldn't be in this mess in the first place. It's not even my drive for sex, it's my drive for affection and to call someone "mine." It's that part of me that's filled with greed. If I would just cut off that instinct within me then I wouldn't have this problem in the first place.
I guess there is a line that needs to be drawn between listening to your desires and to your heart, and acting on them. I've been trying so hard to really get in touch with what I want that I think I've been listening too hard to the external desire, and not enough to deeper needs.
I am not wise, only an intelectual with an ever-ticking brain. I have not had the time or the opportunity to attain the wisdom which I need to get through this. But I think when it's all said and done, that I will know exactly what I should have done right now.
I have this weight that keeps telling me to given in to not caring. This nagging heavy feeling which is what it is to care about too many things. If I were to let go of that caring, I'd be to enjoy life as I please. I don't think I'm capable of indifference though. I get too easily attached, too easily hurt by by someone else's pain.
My palms show me that indeed my heart is more in control than my mind, yet my mind is smarter, more refined and more used to making the logical conclusion. What is the logical conclusion?
Should I tell Travanti everything? Should I shut Core out of my life to have you? Should I through out what my mom said, what logic has said, what my meditation has said, what my dreams imply and just let the feeling I have with you consume me and take you as mine and forget the rest of it all?
Should I give up on friends, and enjoy my one true love? Or should I rationalize myself into being with Core? And could I even do that if he has something? And what if he knew, and it's all been an act? And what if I'm not supposed to be in a relationship at all right now? And what if my goal should be how to learn how to make friends? And what if I have to give it all up for that goal? And what if I'm not supposed to go to Chicago with Travanti for the sole purpose of getting closer to my family? What if I'm supposed to stay here because I'm supposed to help Buffalo? And what if I'm not supposed to be helping anyone but myself? What if I came here to learn how to... how to what?

I don't know, I don't know, I don't know... The more I think, the more I want to push all the hard thoughts aside, listen to my heart and tell you that it's you. That all I want is you. It's easy to write, easy to say, but so hard in actuality, because I want everything. I'm too greedy.
My meditation told me the itch won't stop unless I make the correct sacrafice. What's the fucking correct sacrafice? What is too much, and what is too little?

Maybe I'm looking at this all wrong. Time to step back and look at the big picture. Until next time...


PS: Has Janet noticed this place is locked yet?

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