Yesterday :: Today


A Fool: Me

11:28 a.m. :: 2006-11-22

Jeremy...
You have every right to hate me forever. I'm a selfish bitch and I know it. I don't want any more than you, now... It's too late though, isn't it?
I've been searching myself and looking up shit on the internet. I have an appointment for Monday. I tried to find you in mom's car after you left, figured we could drive you there, and all of that, but no luck.
So after around a half hour of looking for you my mom said she was done driving around and we went home. I took a bath. I don't have any sores, it's just swollen and itching. It feels and looks just like yeast to me so I'm praying to god that that is all it is.
Yeast can cause sores that are due to yeast sitting on the skin for a period of time. I hope so much that's all it is. But I have to admit that never did I get so swollen without any burning. I've put on a ton of Aloe and have been meditating, for both you and me.
More you though, because if you heal, and there is nothing wrong, then maybe you'll want me back. I'm such a fool. I called Core last night, he's supposed to come here today. I'm going to tell him that I think I have something, and that I'm not ever having sex with him again.
I'm not going to tell him about you because I'm not sure how you would feel about it, and because it's not his buisiness and because then he might say that I got him from you even though I know that's impossible.

I'd never see Core again to be with you Jeremy. I'd never see anyone again. Why does it always take something drastic to remember how much I love you? Last time I thought I'd never forget, but two years really have made me forget a lot. I really fucked up big time this time didn't I? All I can say in my defense is that I was at least honest, and I regret it all, and shall be repenting for a long time.

That won't make you feel any better probably. I can't believe I've already destroyed your trust. I had everything with you sitting on Lea's porch, and now I've got nothing but an aching chest.

I hardly want anything to even do with sex anymore. It just keeps fucking me over time and time and time again. It has been since I was nine, and never stopped.

It's been all I can do today to not cut myself or destroy something but that wouldn't help, that wouldn't make you forgive me, that won't heal me, that won't heal you... It probably wouldn't make me feel better either. And so I keep washing, keep applying aloe, keep praying, keep meditating... That's all I can do.

I hope you forgive me, but if you don't, I'm considering that maybe I should just go to Chicago with Travanti. I know that sounds so stupid after all I've said about him, but I know he's clean (unlike Core) and as I said before, many of the problems him and I had were around the fact that he was living here. Oh what am I saying? I couldn't be with Travanti again anyway. Not after this, because this just makes me realize more that what I want is you.

In a couple of weeks I've crossed out every possible partner I know of. Maybe I should move to Licoln and be with Nicole. Ha. I talked to her on the phone last night again, and while her and I have a lot in common, I don't think we'd make the best couple. I mean, maybe, but... I don't know.

I don't know. I feel so worthless I wouldn't expect anyone to want me anyway. I was so happy to see your face when I woke. It was so unfair to find out right away. Then again, it would be just as unfair if you stroked my hair and told me while you held me.

My research shows that you or I could have anything. Then again, since you can have something with no signs at all, I already knew it was possible to have anything. The only thing encouraging is that it looks just like a yeast infection, and feels just like a yeast infection, except it doesn't burn to pee at all.
I hope you're alright. But I guess I know that you're not. Even if that sore means nothing at all, I know you're hurting inside. And there is nothing I can do... Is there? Cause I'd do anything.
I'm so stupid, so sorry, so depressed. What do I do? I think I might go back to bed. I'm so tired... I had so many plans, but it's all ruined now, and it's my fault.
I wish you the world, but know it's just going to shit on people like you and me. I'm sorry, I've cost you everything and gained you nothing. I did again exactly the one thing I didn't want to do... hurt you.
My love, please heal, forgive, forget, and come to me again. I will be ready if and when you ever are again.

Yesterday :: Today