Yesterday :: Today


fuck fuck fuck

3:20 p.m. :: 2006-11-20

What the fuck were you thinking Jeremy? How could you have told? Didn't anyone ever tell you not to kiss and fucking tell? You understand this this not only is going to fuck you over, but ME TOO. If Travanti finds out... Oh man.

And why today? Why? This morning I wake up feeling terrible, who knows why, I couldn't sleep all night, my dreams were plagued with all sorts of nightmares and I guess I know why now.

Man. I fucked up too. I should have never let Janet know you were here. I should have never done any of it. I'm so sorry. I'm a total idiot. I keep making these same mistakes, logicing my way around things and into other things, only to fuck up.

Travanti calls me on the phone telling me how he wants to come to my party, but doesn't think he can because he's going with his father to Jamaica.

Well, if he doesn't come, I might not be able to get weed. If there is no weed, plus too many dudes and not enough girls, it will flop. And if this party is a flop than I can forget about having an eighteenth birthday party. And this is what's going through my mind when Kali IMs telling me how he's not coming to my party because of you!

WHAT THE FUCK? I was also already feeling guilty about Robert, Carlos and Mom being up in the attic working while I'm down here sulking. I was already feeling bad about not being able to get as much done as fast as I want to. I was already feeling like a slut when Kali comes out with that shit.

And speaking of saying too much, Travanti was mad at me for telling Tiffany that him and I were broken up, because now she's all over him and he didn't want that. And it's like "why the fuck did I tell her that?" And worse yet, I told her that while he was there without knowing it.

I have so much shit to do, and yet I'm too upset to work on any of it, so I sit here wasting my time writing this shit. Fucky, fucky, fuck!

I mean, I did work for a while in the attic, but now... I just don't want to. I wanted to see you again today, but right now I'm actually so mad at you I don't want to hear what happened yet. Plus, it might be better if we don't see each other for a couple days.

Now I'm wondering if you have a bed to sleep in at night. I have to worry about the cops pulling you out of that house. Now I gotta worry about Travanti finding out. Now the card shop isn't going to be safe anymore.

With all this shit going on, how can I throw a real party? I'll be the topic of behind-my-back discussion likely. It's not safe to have all those people together now, everyone is going to think I'm a slut again. I'm going to be where I was four years ago if I don't think up a master plan quick.

I just wanted some friends and some affection. I ended up with heartach and work. That's just the story of my life. I'm so busy worrying about not hurting anybody that I forgot not to fuck myself over.

Couldn't you have not said anything? I hope you didn't. I hope I don't have to blame this on you. I hope this doesn't explode, or that it hasn't already. Man. Shit. Fuck. What do I do?

I'm sure as hell not going to try and see you or contact you at this time. I hardly want to leave the house. I'm probably going to move up Tuesday to today. Because without weed I need something to get my mind to stop ticking. That is, if I can make it stop ticking through those methods.

Oh fuck. I'm such an idiot. Can't I see that sex only makes things worse in all situtations yet? It always just makes things so complicated. As soon as jelousy comes into play everything is all fucked up. And sex and jelousy are like fucking peanut butter and jelly.

I can't believe I was HAPPY yesterday!

OH FUCK. Now I just realized that I've lost sixty fucking dollars somewhere. WHY EVERY TIME I GET A DAY OF HAPPINESS I HAVE TO PAY FOR IT TEN FOLD?

Yesterday :: Today