Yesterday :: Today


November 12th, 2006

11:08 p.m. :: 2006-11-12

Jeremy,

Now this place is safe. Only your username and password will enter this place, and thus, it is safe.
I hope.

I would hate to cause more trouble over at your place. I really need you to live there, and not here. I want to force myself into being alone. I need it, I know I need it.

These past few days, without Travanti, without you, were hard, but not as hard as I expected. Being at the commune made me feel a different form of love, and I am still filled with it now.

I realized now, reading my last letter, how foolish it was to write that, and have it here, in the open, for anyone to read. I was only thinking of how it doesn't say that I'm going to leave Travanti for you, but I wasn't thinking about how it said I had dreams about you, secret fantasies about you, and how it said that I still am "deeply" in love with you. Damn, I'm a fool.

Do you want this fool back? Do you really want to come back to someone who has given you so much pain? Then again, maybe we're equal. You can't imagine how painful it was for me when you left me. God, nothing was so unbareable. Nothing was so completely overwhelming. Nothing before or after can I compare. Agony. Suffering. I would have prefered to be stabbed - if only I could have held you in my arms while it happened. As long as the empty hole in my chest was filled.

Do I want you back after that? I've lied to myself, and to Travanti, and I see that now. I've said over and over that I would never forgive you for it. But you see, you were forgiven before you did it. I was in your debt, and through all the pain, I felt I had be served what I deserved. I knew that I wouldn't cheat on you again, at least, not any time soon. I wanted at that time so badly to make everything up to you. And that is the time you chose to leave me, right when I thought everything was really going to be okay, and it was such a shock.

Looking back on it though, you did the right thing. You made me pay for my crimes, and in my payment I learned many many lessons that I couldn't have learned at your side. I experienced things that I would never go through again willingly, but that I am glad I have been through. Now I can appreciate you better.

Heh! I can appreciate you better on the inside that is. Because now I see how much alike you and I are, and that it's good to be with someone whose energy can blend with one's own. Travanti's energy touches mine, and mine touches his, but they don't blend, they don't unite, and that's why him and I can not be one on the deepest level.

I long to see you. I keep telling myself I can wait until Tuesday. Crazy that I even have many plans for Tuesday. On my calender for tomorrow, Monday, it says "IM Kasheef, Call Jason, Do Laundry, Build TV Unit, Call Everyone/Discuss Party, Maybe buy Ari's Bday gift" In translation, I'm going to IM Kasheef about the party I'm planning, call everyone else about it, and I need to call Jason to ask about open mic, and well, buying Ari a present is pretty self explanitory.

Then for Tuesday it says "Yoga, Work with Mary, Make open mic flyers, look for and buy Naruto cards" I might not get to actually go out and buy the cards Tuesday, and the Yoga will be from 7:30pm to 9:00pm so that's not in the way. I wonder if you'll go on IM around noon or something Tuesday morning, because if not, how can I see you?

I don't want to show up as a single woman at your house, that could be dangerous. Not that I want anyone to know other than you that I'm single. That could only cause more problems, and potentially be life threatening the way I see it.

I'm not sure what allows me to hold strong at a time like this. Why have I not cried for Travanti? I have not shead a single tear since he left Friday morning. I know it's partly because I went to the commune. I guess it's because I started my pining when I first intended to break up with him exactly one week ago on Sunday. And on Monday I think it was, maybe Tuesday I really got emotional - like screaming crying emotional. It was exactly the way I was for a month after you left me. But just for a few hours? Did I get over two years in a few hours?

It has to be you. Your energy fills me, and completes me in a way that nothing else could. And I am afraid that I have no choice but to be with you. I want to say to myself: "Yes, one day I will I will find my perfect prince, and he will be rich, and perfect in body, mind and soul." Ha. Right.

Then I have another great fear within me: What if I was with you again, for a year, maybe two, or three - and then I find that guy that is so much more THE ONE, you know? Then what? Then give up on everything I had with you, break your heart once again?

That thought brought me close to tears, but then I remembered that I don't have to feel that way now. I am smiling as I write this now.

If I become your girl... your woman... No, if I become Your Lady, then I want you to have faith in me, and faith in my love for you, and my undying loyalty to you no matter what. And I don't mean loyalty as in never fucking other people, because we talked about that, and we'll cross that bridge when we come to it, but I mean loyalty as in always being in your corner, as in always standing up for you, as in always putting you before anyone else, as in always being at your side when everything is said and done, and not letting go even when shit has done more than just hit the fan.

I want you to have faith in that loyalty, and to have the security, the comfort, that comes with it. I want... you. God, I've figured out something I do want. I want you Jeremy. I really do. I don't say I really do trying to convince you, but in comfirmation of my own revelation.

But wait, as much as I want you, I still think it is best to wait. The longer I wait, the more I will cherish you. The longer I wait, the stronger I will make myself. The longer I wait, the stronger my will will be.

I want to start our relationship with a complete agreement of what our relationship is. I want to write "I can't wait" but yet, I can wait, and I will. See you... soon... my love.

Yesterday :: Today