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October 19th 2006

7:22 a.m. :: 2006-10-19

To anyone who is not Jeremy, you would be far better off to read this whole entry completely and carefully than you are to only read parts of it. This entry makes up one complete whole thought, and it takes the entire entry to understand it, so PLEASE do not read it if you don't have the ten minutes it will take to read it carefully and throughally. Thanks.

Jeremy,
I always thought my feelings for you were over. Well, no, I didn't, that would be a lie. I thought my feelings were over for you for about a year there. But now I realize that no matter how much time goes by, a part of me will always be deeply in love with you.

You obviously want me back too, I can tell. Maybe that's why both Janet and Travanti are so harsh about us not being together, because maybe they both know deep down that we have a connection... That sounds so mellow dramatic, but how else could it be written?

I've been reading my friend Nicole's journal (friend on the Internet, I've never met her, but we did chat on the phone once.) Anyway, she was writing about her exboyfriend or possibly just an exlover, but the following is what she wrote edited ever so slightly to fit this perfectly: (Everything I've added is in italics.)

...

It's been months a night and part of a day since the last time I saw your smiling face. That's It had just been too long to go that I've been without you. Sometimes, my longing for the past with you is so great that it comsumes and destroys my will to see and live the future without you.

Now I am in love with someone else, but every now and then, way too often in the whispers of a dark night you will still creep up in my mind, and I will start thinking, longing, and going through all the "what ifs", and all the memories.

Sometimes I keep thinking that wonder if you've stopped comming here, and I wonder if you have that you've forgotten about us and how things used to be, and if you have blacked me out the way I managed to do with you until the dreams started again, on top of packing and seeing "the box" again. I moved my dresser and found our prom picture. You posted something on my tag-board, and however vicious and cruel it was, it Being at your house made me smile because for a few seconds, hours it felt like you were still listening, and still in love with me, the way I suspected you were. For a moment, it felt like you cared just the way you did, again, and it was nice.

Thank you for talking to me when I called, came over your house and thank you for pretending letting me know with your toes you missed me, the way I miss you.

...

Okay, so I edited it more than I planned to, but when I read that entry by her, it was like, "she's done it again, she's read my thoughts and written them down before I could." Her whole journal reminds me of me. Even when she called me I was, "whoa, we sound alike!"

Enough about Nicole though... What about... us?

There currently really isn't an "us" - just a faded memory wrapped in a shiny smooth foil wrap made of hopes and secret fantasies. I can't talk about how I feel to anyone, and so my feelings and thoughts like so much paper in a burning library - it all burns. The burning I feel the most late at night, peering through the crack in the curtain at a full moon, the burning in my chest, in my heart, I feel it then the most, staring at the same moon that was above myrtile beach on the sweetest spring break I ever had, and may ever have, if I don't escape this misery.

I hate to lead you into thinking I'm going to leave Travanti, not after I've lead you into my heart so many times only to send you away, a dog with tail between legs, alone and misunderstood. There is no doubt of my solid love for you, the part of which is almost brotherly. What scares me, is that I find there is more than brotherly love left, no matter how I try to deny it, and I wonder if it's only because things with Travanti have been rocky, or if it's because ... you are my soul mate or something of that sort.

It seems only logical that looking from Travanti to you who anyone would choose, and yet, I feel like, here, even with Travanti, the choice, even though already made, is just as hard to reset in my mind the way it was the first time. At least it is now, but it didn't used to be. There was a time where I did feel over you, and maybe it's because I hadn't allowed myself time to think it through in any other way. It's like part of me forced the other part of me to be quiet. I gave myself no real choice.

But the truth is that I have not made up my mind yet, and I don't know what's going to happen. The last thing I let go far out of my hands fucked me over, but this really is more up to fate than to me. I feel like who ever I am with, I should be with, for a reason, and I want to let the spirits decide. Because I'm so madly in love with two people - which I never thought was truly possible, but it is. It all depends on how much love you have to give, and how much time you've had to fall in love, and how long and how far that love ran. And you see, the love that I had with you was too strong to fade and melt and fall away even through the struggle of time and even effort.

The love I have for Travanti I fear is more based on my greed than anything more. I'm rather easily pleased by a sculpted body, and broken bricks. In fact, I'm more than pleased, it makes me go weak in the knees and want to cave in to his every desire. I've been spellbound by his energy, body and words for almost two years now, but then comes the question: Is it a spell? Is it a phase? Is it love? And if it is a spell, than should it be broken, or is it there for a reason bigger than myself or him? And if it is love, than is all love equal? And what is love worth? And what makes love worth it, and what makes it not?

But what things boil down to in my mind are not always the same. Sometimes I push everything aside and I put things in the greedist of terms. I say to myself, "Raederle, are you serious? Are you seriously thinking about being with Jeremy again? And then what happens when Travanti shows up at the door and kisses you? You couldn't stop him, could you? And when his hard dick touches you, then what? After being without it for days, weeks, months, could you say no? Could you even fuck Jeremy seriously ever again anyway?" And when I ask myself these questions, another part of me stands up and comes up with the answers to those questions.

And sadly, I know my own answers all too well now. "Oh no, you are right, I could not refuse. But would Jeremy understand? Would I mind if I was with him and he slept with other women? I suppose I could bare it, and arrange it. In fact, that sounds like a fine idea." Then I wonder why I would want to be with you over Travanti when I can't let Travanti sleep with other women. So wouldn't that mean I actually love him more?

But wait, you would think that, but doesn't that really mean that I trust him less? And these are the thoughts that run through my mind at one in the morning, at two in the morning. The questions with myself go around and around.

"Jeremy once told me he was a 'clepto' - or in other words, he told me he stole things sometimes, unable to stop himself. Strange, because a lot less stuff went missing when Jeremy lived with us. So why, with Travanti, someone who claims to hate theives, things are always going missing? But I've never seen Travanti steal anything. And he looks so serious, so genuine, so real, when he tells me he didn't do it. Am I letting myself get played? Am I really one of those women getting emotionally abused, and robbed from, and too blind to see it?"

And as I think these thoughts, I sqeeze the teddy bear he gave me, 'Rain' which has perportedly replaced Justin. Rain, funny, even Travanti knows that's the name of your guardian, and he thinks that I named it soully after you because of that. I did in a way honestly, but the day he gave it to me, it was raining. And I thought about the fact that it was raining, and that it would make a good name, but also about you.

But there is much more to Rain, just like there is to Justin. See, Justin replaces your childhood bear, and for me, Rain replaces Justin. But more than that, when Travanti brought me Rain, and chocolates and flowers, I took it as a sign, and I hoped that it meant he was going to change for me. So Rain's last name has always been Hope. Meaning that Rain gave me hope for a real future with Travanti.

So as I hold Rain tight, named partly in memory for you, and partly for hope for a future with Travanti, I lay there and tear my brain apart tossing around thoughts about things going stollen, penis sizes, physical attrativness, talents, phrases, songs, memories, and question my feelings.

I ask myself, "what do I really want?" And the answer comes to me. But what I really want I can't have, and knowing me, you can guess what that is. But that would be as impossible as me growing a black girl's ass. And I don't mean that to be a comparison to what I mean that I really want, I just mean that what I want is that impossible.

So, coming back down to earth in terms of what's possible. I want a house at minimum. I want a real house one day. I want to make sure I have a job or have a man with a job that can pay for that house. So for Travanti has shown he can get and hold a job, but yet he's also shown he can't hold money or budget it well. You've proved that you are not good at either. I want to raise eight beautiful smart children. Travanti wants them to all have the middle name that his family all has, and that is so bull shit, because it sounds silly and could just be added to the last name or something. Isn't it enough for them to get his last name? We had agreed on the name Crystal, but I've moved on to liking different names, like Nuria, which Travanti doesn't like anyway. In terms of more important things, Travanti says I can make any rules I want for my kids, as long as he can train them in fighting. Of course I have no problems with that, and that's part of the reason why I've stayed with him this long in the first place.

You are obviously the more mature choice, even though you yourself wouldn't call yourself mature. But he's got his father's money to go to college with, and college can knock maturity into someone.

Are you seeing my problem here? Yes, Travanti has commited many 'crimes' against me, but even with all of that, he still bought me chinese food last night, and provided me with amazing weed, and the night before that, he provided amazing weed... And a few nights ago there was multiorgasimed sex. But here is another one of the cunundroms... Even though sex itself with Travanti is so far better and beyond sex with anyone else I've ever had, the forplay is pathetic, and rarely even there. And I find that the stress he causes me makes me hard for me to even get wet for him, despite how he looks. Who would have thought?!

So it's possible that having someone who knew how to touch me, and how to hit me without scaring me or actually hurting me, someone who knew how push all my buttons just the right way, someone willing to actually use their tongue might actually be enough to make me not miss a really awesome dick... The dick in my ultimate fantasies. But what's more important in the long run? What will make me happy? Often after these great sex sessions we break off into arguments right away. Sometimes he goes too long, and too strong, and I feel like my body is going to break apart from the pain and the sorness.

Every element of life with him is up and down, full of pros and cons, and when I try to compare him to you, everything is so different that I can hardly find anything that is comparable! And so while I miss you tenderly, and dream about you fervantly, I'm not sure what I'm going to do.

But the way things have been going, somehow I just think that Travanti is going to do something unforgivable, and if that happens, it's bound to break him and I up, because if I did stay with him but stopped loving him, he would know, and he would leave.

And how would I feel after he was gone? I don't know. But I do know exactly how I feel about being with you now. That was easier than I expected to figure out. In one day, I realized that you are the best friend I never had. And you are the most considerate lover I ever had. You are someone I wouldn't mind being with again...

But there is one last detail I want to mention. If Travanti and I breakup, which I'd say is very, very close to a 50/50 chance about now, I want and need at least a period of a month to be single. There are other small things I need to explore, and due respect I must show, to myself, to him, and even in a way, for you. And I would expect, if you were to leave Janet around the same time, you would want that time to think, and explore too. Just please don't gets your hopes set high, because the last thing I want, the very last thing after everything else I don't want to happen badly, is to hurt you again. It might kill me to know that your heart is hurting, and it's my fault... again.

With love, respect, and the utmost seriousness; Raederle

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