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May 5th 2006

9:20 a.m. :: 2006-05-05

Jeremy,
I had the weirdest dream last night, about you of course, and another weird dream about you the night before.

The one that was two nights ago was a dream where Tre and I lived together, but you had a room off the attic and you lived with us too.

I don't remember the details of the dream, just your face, what that part of the room looked like, and Travanti getting mad.

The dream I had last night was weirder. In the beginning of the dream we were flirting, and then you killed yourself, or I killed you, or something like that, and you came back as a ghost and said to me, "If you fuck me now Travanti won't care because it doesn't count if you're a ghost." And because it's a dream, and I always make bad choices in my dreams, I slept with your ghost.

I don't really remember the details of the encounter, but it happened on a set of stairs, so it must have been uncomfortable. Then afterwards I remember thinking, "God, what have I done? Didn't I tell myself cheating is ALWAYS wrong, no matter what? I mean, even if the person is a ghost, it's still wrong!" Of course none of that makes sense because you can't fuck a ghost because ghosts are not touchable in the physical world.

But in the dream I felt like I had destroyed my life. I was depressed and crying and thinking I can't keep this a secret. I know I can't. I'll end up telling Travanti, and then it will all be over. I was crying in the dream when I woke up in the real world.

I was really releived it wasn't real of course, but it makes me wonder, what is driving me to dream about you still? So long since I've seen you and still you're stuck in my head. I keep asking why? Do I still feel so guilty about cheating on Tre? Or is it because I feel like it's my fault for fucking up my relationship with you?

I keep wondering, would I be happier with you? And even knowing it, would I leave Tre for you? Is it even possible to be in love with you again? I'm not even sure I want the answers, because like always, I'm afraid to feel any other way that I already do.

Remember how we planned that if we had a daughter one day, we would name her Crystal. Tre and I agreed our first born son's name would be Darghtonyon, and our first born daughter's name would be Kentaria. I wonder what my children's names really will be, and who'll they'll be with, and if one day they will be reading this in my journal and thinking they feel just the same way, or wondering how weird everyone was way back in the early 2000's.

I wonder if one day I'll forget you, or one day we'll be friends again, but deep down I know we'll never be in love again. I don't know how I know, I just do. We've changed, and the two people that seemed perfect for each other then are two different people now.

It's funny, one of the things I miss about you is the fact that you didn't swear all the time. I mean, you did it alot, but not like Travanti does. But it's all long over now, so why am I still writing to you, as though you'll ever read this?

In spirit, you're my brother. You were more of a brother than either of my real brothers ever were. You tought me a lot, and I'll never forget that. Thank you.

~Raederle Phoenix

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