Yesterday :: Today


May 11th 2006

3:27 p.m. :: 2006-05-11

Jeremy,
I stopped listening to all my linkin park CDs after you broke up with
me because all that would happen is that I would think about you and
become depressed.
"I want to heal... I want to feel... What I thought was never real..."
I'm listening to it again, and almost to my surprise it brings you to
mind, even at work. I used to be afraid I'd forget about you, but I
guess that's impossible, over a year since I've seen you and you're
stuck in my dreams, my thoughts, in the music I listen to, your face
haunting, your words, your advice echoing in my head with my everyday
actions.
Did I ever tell you that when I was in fourth grade that I did some
sort of an astrological test that would tell me the first letter of the
first name of my one and only true love and that letter was "J" and at
that time in my life I didn't know anyone with a name that began with
"J."
I wondered then if it had to do with my first grade crush on a guy
named Jack and wondered if I would meet him again and life and truly
fall in love with him. And even though I still think that is possible
I think it is a lot more likely that it meant you were the love of my
life. Does that mean I'll never feel quite the same ever again? Maybe
it's just that a first love is always deeper than all the others to
pass... Or maybe not. I don't know. But it seems like it's not just
a quidence.
So, on another topic, where on earth do you live now? I was talking to
Kali on IM and he said that the last her heard you moved from North St.
Where to? No one knows. Kali tells me you visit the card shop about
as often as you visit Jowain which is like once every two months.
Deanna says you stop by her place about once a month, she told me so
when I saw her and Chuck on the bus a month back and as far as she knew
you still lived on North St.
So where did you go? Do you have a job? Are you still with Janet? Do
you live with her? Are you alright? And if you don't go to the card
shop often, does that mean you're not into cards anymore?
I wonder, if I think about about you so much, does that mean you think
about me? And if we're still thinking about each other, does that mean
something? Am I supposed to be with Travanti, or am I supposed to be
with you? Or neither? Or was none of this in the plan in the first
place anyway?
Some of my dreams about you are so realistic that I wonder if you're
dreaming the dream with me and that maybe our spirits miss each other
so much that they visit in our dreams. Sometimes it's just us standing
together, and we'll be in a huge open feild with flowers and no one
else is there, and we're not talking, just sitting there, somehow
communicating the exact same feeling to each other without any motions,
just energy. I love those dreams, but they feel quickly completely
unreal when I wake.
I also have dreams where it's like I just feel your presence, but I
don't see you. I don't know, maybe I'm just wierd, but I keep thinking
that maybe you actually share these dreams with me, and our bodies are
left on our beds while our spirts go into the night are and flirt among
the stars.
Probably whenever my spirit is angry with Travanti... I never really
looked for a pattern in my dreams before. Whatever the case, some part
of me wants to be around you somehow. But I know if I do see you I'll
somehow find myself addicted to you all over again, so I guess I just
won't go there. Maybe one day you'll read this and decide to contact
me... I'm not hard to find, my website tends to keep a daily log of
where I am and what I'm doing.
See you around, or in this case, there isn't any "seeing" to be done...
So until my next dream.
~Raederle

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