Yesterday :: Today


Lonely Diary

9:48 p.m. :: 2005-02-13

I hate to add an entry in my ex-boyfriend abandoned diary. But yeah. I feel like this gold account was neglected.
Here's a letter I e-mail him that he's never read on 1/11/05;

I got up thinking about you and Janet. I was wondering if you guys talk about getting married, having kids, living together forever. I was* willing to take care of you for the rest of your life if you would. I have loved you so deeply, and it's fucking me up now, I'm resentful. I am confident in myself. I'm heartless. I'm so detached. I find it hard to care when someone is upset. I used to be so easily melted, and you were the master of melting me, and I feel like a cold nothing when you touch me. I feel so empty, and I just want to feel that warmth again. I want to feel like I can trust to love. I'm so afraid.
Travanti says "I'd never leave you, I don't have the heart, I don't have the guts." And I think, yes, but in time, you'll develop a heart to leave me, I know you will. Maybe I should just fuck shit up really bad right now, so you can see just how fucked up I am and leave me now. I'm a slut, a liar, and a cheater, right? So why the fuck should you be with me? I say this to myself, to him, in my mind, with no emotions attached to it. I understand now, why you couldn't feel. I understand now, that when I hurt you, what happened to you. I put in my everything.
I've come out with a lesson. I'm not even the one paying for it, my new bf is. He keeps on saying, "why can't you just love me like I love you?"
It hurts so fucking much to hear those words from his mouth. That I feel. I feel those words, over and over and under my skin... You're my best friend, and I need your help. I need you to help me care, I need you to help me love. I need you to help me fall in love with someone else. *cries*
I promised to stay a lady. How the fuck does a lady act?

Yesterday :: Today