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July 14th 2006

9:29 a.m. :: 2006-07-14

Jeremy... Jeremy... I wrote him this note.


I wanted to talk to you so badly, but you were surrounded by so many friends, and so many people wanted to talk to me as well that it was kinda hard. I didn't imagine it would be that way, but I never realized how many people knew me, and how many people know you. It's also strange to be there with Kasheef, and you when Travanti is there. Stranger yet to have Jay and Aaron around, Dwight, Deanna... All in one mix. I enjoyed myself, but I left early because I've been recovering from a cold. Why don't you come next week too? Every weak is different because everytime different things happen with different people. Maybe next time I'll find the words to say to you what I've wanted to say for so long...

I think that I have those words now. I don't want you to get the wrong impression, because I've fallen madly in love with Travanti, and I'm too far in to just cheat, leave, or even mess around with anybody else, I just can't.

...But listen, the reason why I can't... I made a promise to myself after you left me that I would be a better girlfriend next time around. I promised I wouldn't make another guy hurt, that I would treat them better, that I would be a better person. I've kept that promise. I'm still on my search for the lady inside me. I still want to be a lady, because of the promise I made you. That promise to be a lady went deep inside me. I bound that promise to my soul, and whenever I find myself about to do something truly unlady-like, I find myself hurting, in my chest and my mind, like I'm tearing myself apart.

Jeremy I want to say thank you, for making me the person I am. You gave me the control to say no to Jay, even when I thought he was cute. It was like meeting Adam, and I wanted to go nuts over him, but this time around, I didn't. I really learned Jeremy, I really learned, and I guess what I want so desperatly for you to say, is that you're proud of me. I want to hear you say that I've improved, that I'm doing better.

I'm holding a job, I'm holding a relationship, I'm holding friendships, I'm maintaining websites, and... a life. I have a freaking life, and I want you to tell me that you wish you were with me. I want to feel like I am something now... And I guess I just didn't get the reaction I wanted, when you said I was pale... and my eyebrows were like catapillars.

I plucked my eyebrows, I don't know if you even noticed at the square, you hardly looked me in the face, you seemed distracted. You do look better now. You look way better. Though I want you to like me, I want a whole lot more for you to have a girl at home that you love. I think Janet is draining the life from you. When we were together there were moments when you were so content to lay there with me, and look into my eyes, and you were calm and happy inside, I could feel it. You need someone to understand you, and I wish I could wrap a girl up for you and drop her off at your door.

Heh, but you should be able to find a new girl yourself now, you're looking better. You might want to trim your facial hair in a more orderly way, and get some "gear" - like get a rockawear outfit... Maybe I'll buy you one if I get a raise. Well, if I got you one with getting Travanti an outfit too he'd think I was cheating. So it might take me a minute, like until Christmas, but at some point in the future I plan to buy you some hot things to wear. And stop showing your stomach for goodness sake, you'll never get a good-looking girl going around showing that. If one day you have a six-pack then you can go around shirtless, but the lifting of the shirt randomly in public... just doesn't work for you.

I'm sorry you didn't have the good time you wanted to. ~Raederle Phoenix

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