Yesterday :: Today


August 16th 2007

8:33 p.m. :: 2007-08-16

Jeremy, because I can't put this elsewhere, and because you're the person I wish I could see right now, and talk to right now, I'll post this here.

Thursday ~ 8/16/07 ~ 2:25pm

Corvier is outside with El. He�s been out for two and a half hours and isn�t going to be back any time particularly soon. I wanted to eat breakfast wit him and take a bath, but neither of those things are going to wait too much longer with my stomach growling and my constant sweating.

How disappointing life can be sometimes, and how fulfilling it can be at others. It�s a roller coaster, that�s for sure. It�s going on three o�clock now, and I�ve posted an entry full of those e-mails. I hope Angel won�t mind if she bothers to stop by.

I�m just about ready for that bath, so I hope I can rouse Corvier to come inside and join me. If not... What can one do? I just can�t wait any longer. I�m all sweaty and nasty. I�ll eat along the way I suppose, but that�s going to be the only further delay.

Oh how I miss my Corvier�s affection. I can never seem to get enough. Fifty hours a week is too much, too long... But what can I do about it?

6:40pm

What I was afraid of is... official. He has no interest in spending time with me. Just like Tre, he wants me to be here, but not to be with me, if that makes any sense. Every Thursday he goes out, it�s been this way for months, and he promises over and over he�ll change, and now he�s done making promises, he�s done pretending.

Sundays he sleeps all day, and the time he�s not sleeping he spends on his computer. While I like being next to him while he�s on his computer and I�m on mine, it just doesn�t count. I feel so hopeless. I�ve got the man I should be with, he�s everything I wanted, except that he never wants to be... With me. He says he does, he says it all the time, but he... Just doesn�t.

The pain in my chest is throbbing so bad. I want out. I don�t have the will or the strength, or the discipline that it takes to face life alone. I want so badly to suck it up, to make the tears stop flowing, to just not care. But that will never happen. I wish having friends would fill the gap that�s left when he�s not here, but having people over only makes the strain inside me worse.

The moment they�re gone the pull, the need, the desperation is amplified. I�m losing hope again. And right on time, come to think of it, I predicted this. I predicted that half way through August I�d be heartbroken. Fuck.

He�s already spent three hours away from me. I have to change the pattern. It has to stop...

7:11pm

I�m a fool. Why did I have to go and try to stop him? Me reminding him that I predicted this made him even colder. Me trying to pin him on the bed made him angry. He just pushed me back, thumb square into my tit, and it was all I could do just to keep from trying again, letting the hopelessness rise through the anger and pain. There is no point in all of what I�ve just done. I let anger get the best of me as he left. I can believe I threw my fan, and then for a moment I thought I broke it, and it still couldn�t make me stop.

I�ve just finished cleaning up the mess I made, the only permanent damage I did was ripping my fabric hamper when I threw it across the room � the weight of the clean clothing must have conflicted with my harsh grip. I begged Satma to tell me why nothing is working. I saw the color red. I asked what I need, and I saw the color blue. I take it that I need calm. What I just did was the opposite of calm.

I actually screamed at him. He didn�t scream back at me. He just became even more distant. I feel like this is all my fault. I hadn�t suggested anything to do because he always shoots everything down, which makes me feel bad. So I laid there with him, enjoying his warmth, his energy, his company as he mutters that he�s bored. Then he gets up, calls El, the next thing I know he�s getting dressed. I hate my...self. I�m fucking up somehow.

Have I done it again? Chose the first thing that looked good? It was so much better than good though. He made me feel free and alive. Now I feel dead again. I�m still on this cycle. I hate myself for it. No man wants me, not once they have me, not really. No man wants to give to me what I desire. No one was designed for me, no one was meant for me! What have I been thinking?

No one was ever meant for me. This is what happens when I put my expectations to high, my hopes too high. What have I been thinking? I�ve been thinking I could have good things, I�ve been thinking I could have peace. I�ve been thinking that I could just become the person that would change my surroundings into something better. Oh what a blasted joke I am for thinking at all.

I�m a fucking idiot. I�m going to see what he wrote about me most recently, wonder if there is anything new. If it makes me feel better or worse matters not, because worse would be where I was moments ago anyway. Whatever passes the time until his return. If he returns at all.

Interesting, he�s got an entry here about how men look pathetic around women, how on dating shows the women easily impress the men, but the guys look stupid around the women. Funny how I just make myself look stupid around him. I just think that�s the way he sees things. A woman without confidence in herself can�t get a man, they only get used. I know, because I�ve been there.

Is he crazy? Prefer a vibrator to him? I just don�t understand why he always has it all wrong in his journal. I fucking love him. I love to fuck him... I just can�t when he gives me brush burns on my lips, I mean seriously! I don�t think he understands how hard this is for me. Women want each other more than men? Is this just his insecurities speaking?

I feel so helpless. He doesn�t understand. He doesn�t learn from the things I say to him...

7:42pm

He hung up on me! I spilled my heart out to dead air. What�s the point of being alive? What is the point?

8:00pm

He won�t be back anytime soon. I already know that. He hung up on me. Why? Why? I really poured it all out to the wall. The time I enjoy is the time I spend with him. He�ll never believe that, never understand it, will he? I don�t know how much I said before he hung up. I don�t know what made him do it. All I know is that I feel just as alone as I ever get to feeling. The empty sinking sensation. It burns, and it�s icy, and it�s beyond excruciating.

I�ve reread what I wrote. I think I�m not getting this right. What is it that I�m missing? He wants to be around other people, and he wants it regularly. I either have to give it to him, or leave him, because there is no changing that. I can�t give up on him yet, though I�ve been screaming at myself to just give up so I could spare myself this feeling, this feeling that he believes is an act.

Christ, I remember when he said to me he�d never just leave me while I cry when I was telling him about Tre doing it. Why do men always think I�m a faker? That I�m doing it for the effect upon them? Why don�t they see that each tear that falls down my face represents a vibration of pain through my chest, echoing to every part of my body, releasing the building tension and pain from inside.

I fucking hate myself. Why can�t I seem to work this out? He�s giving up on even trying to please me, I can hear it in his voice. The same way I�m losing hope. Make it stop! Make it stop! I don�t want to go through this again! Not again! No! No!!!

Please...! I�m begging you! Not again... Not again... Not again... No... No... No!!! I promised myself that this would not happen again! How is this happening to me again? I�m so fucking dependant. I wish I didn�t need anybody! I wish I didn�t need anybody at all! I want to be content with being so fucking alone! Stab me! Stab me!

I want to draw my own blood so bad. I want to see it as proof of my pain. Proof that this hurts. Proof that I�m not crazy. What the hell am I saying? Thankfully, unfortunately I fucked up my ankle in the process of attempting to destroy my room in a bout of worthless anguish which continues to prickle, and burn though I�ve covered it in Aloe. It doesn�t even look painful, just a red blotch, but it stings. It doesn�t sting like my heart however, fuck if something did, I�d probably be dying.

I wish... Jeremy was here right now. He�d know what to do, what to say. He taught me how to purposefully change myself. He gave me the motivation to do it. I wish he was here to say to me what I should be doing. I wish I wasn�t so miserable. I wish... I wish. I�ve been making useless, stupid wishes since I was nine fucking years old. There is just no point! No point at all.

I have not eaten all day. I can feel the hunger on me, but it�s so... Worldly. The idea of going downstairs and trying to get food is scary. Like painfully scary. Of opening my mouth in inserting what needs to be in my stomach to sustain life. I should go on an eating strike. The only problem with that... Wait, there are tons of problems with that. Number one, it wouldn�t work, and two, I�d be so weak at the end of the second day I couldn�t end the strike because I wouldn�t be able to get food for myself. Three, I�d become bitter and more depressed and push away help. It would be self-destructive beyond the point of slicing my skin. Which makes it sound even more appealing, but still just as fruitless.

I should eat for the sake of eating, though all my emotion is saying no.

Yesterday :: Today