Yesterday :: Today


August 17th 2007

5:18 p.m. :: 2007-08-17

Jeremy, just like the last entry. I have no where else to post this. I wish I could talk to you about it, but I can't. So I'm posting this here.

1:00

Corvier, ignored me more than usual for the morning. And I know he was writing, and I�m going to read it, I�ve just been putting it off so I could write a little bit that wouldn�t be about whatever he wrote. I�m positive I�m not going to like it, but I just have to find out. He also asked for ten dollars this morning, after asking for twenty last night, which I find very odd. Let�s see if the answers are enclosed.

This is already uncool. As I�ve written before, why does he always have it all wrong in his journal?

"Yesterday was almost another miserable Thursday. Every week Raederle finds some way to get all upset just because I like to hang out with my friends on my day off. She was getting so out of control with her anger that I had to leave the house to get away from her."

That�s how it starts. He didn�t even see my anger when I threw myself and everything off the bed and started slinging around objects, banging my head on the fridge, etc. I was out of control with anger, but he didn�t see that. And I find some way to get all upset? I knew it! He thinks I make myself cry! What the hell?

"All I pretty much did was go over to Mark�s house to hang out with him and El. Mark was fucked up on drugs as usual and me and El just smoked and listened to music."

He doesn�t mention that my outburst was before he left, because he had already spent three hours with El that morning, then he left for another five hours. I tried to keep calm, I really did. I made a real effort not to have such an explosion, but the emotion just took over, and I�m not proud of that. I just can�t understand why doing that is better than being here with me!

"I enjoy time with Raederle as well as with my friends. The problem is Raederle�s interest and will to put up with non-intellectual conversations. It�s hard for me to be around a bunch of intellectuals/snobs all the time."

So I don�t like conversations about nothing. Wow. This is a serious problem. That blows. Apparently if you�re smart, you�re a snob. Come on, he should know better than that. I think he does, I�ve already come to the conclusion that his writing will take one side or the other at a time, much like my own.

"I like hanging around degenerates sometimes. They�re funny and they remind me why I don�t do stupid things. Just living in this house is hard sometimes because Raederle and her family like to have conversations that I can�t indulge in because I have no idea what they�re talking about."

He works with degenerates, and that�s not enough? He makes a good point about being reminded not to do stupid things, but I had plenty of reminds my whole lifetime spent in school. And what does he mean about conversations I have with my family? He only witnesses one of those in like a month. Is he really referring to the things I bring up sometimes? I thought him and I were having fun discussing possibilities for the DDP last night. His thoughts are so painful, then again, I guess mine can be too. Mom is calling me to go, I�ll be back later.

4:45pm

Continuing with where I left off on reading his entry... "At least with El and Dana, they talk about things related to the moment, not theories about the past or future. Not that that�s a bad thing.

"Anyways, I had a good time yesterday. I wish I could go out every night. I feel free on my bike. Plus it�s fun with El riding with me. Somehow we always end up meeting new people together. People are usually impressed with us. Our personalities are different from other black people... I guess."

I suppose things related to the moment isn�t a bad topic, but what�s really related to the moment? I could take that a lot of different ways, but I see his point there, though I don�t see what makes it a particularly good point. He wants to go out every night. Well, that�s nice. That�s just dandy. Maybe I�ll just forget I have a boyfriend. That might make things easier on me, if I just pretend that I can�t have him, because he doesn�t exist...

Oh, what am I saying? Easy to say that now, but the moment I hear his voice on the phone, the moment I see his face, even from a distance, the moment I feel his touch, everything is black and white and bland next to him. Nothing has spark or color without him.

"I�d like to find a way to master my jealousy. Ever since I�ve been with Raederle, this idea of her and Travanti getting back together kills me inside. As a man, how do I fight for this? Raederle talks about him all the time. She still talks to him on the phone. I�ll never forget her masturbating to his voice. That one hurts... A lot. I mean, who stills talks to an ex on the phone...? Seriously."

Oh fuck. I�m talking about him again. I was supposed to drop the subject forever. Maybe I should stop talking to him on the phone. It�s not like I call him, he calls me, and we don�t talk for long. Shit. Why is this happening to me?

No. I will not cry, I will not feel sorry for myself. That�s my personal mistake and I simply have to correct it. I don�t need to talk about Travanti, it�s not that serious, but fuck... I never thought... I mean, I thought we were past that? He dreamed he was trying to get Brianna to take him back for goodness sake!

"Especially if the ex was crazy. Raederle also has this Jamaican obsession. If it�s not Tre she�s talking about, then it�s about a Jamaican chick with dreads I might add... Coincidence... I think not. I mean, for god sake, she tried to get me to grow dreads."

I only suggested he should grow dreads because he was unhappy with his hair and that was the only other style that he could really pull off. This blows. Everything I do is going to be taken the wrong way. I wish I had never said Travanti�s name to him. I wish I had never talked about my past. I wish I could keep my fucking god-damned mouth fucking shut!

He�s never going to believe that I�m over Tre. He�s never going to believe it! What the fuck can I do? Fuck. Fuck. I�ve fucked up another relationship. I can�t believe this. I just can�t fucking believe it. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why the fuck do I keep making the same mistakes? Why the fuck am I letting this happen? FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I�m so angry with myself. I think dark skin is sexy. So the fuck what? Argh! I need to keep my goddamned mouth shut. If this is ever going to work I need to talk less, stop crying, and get myself a fucking life. I should get a job. I hate that I�m saying that, hate that I would consider it, but I get no respect and I�m tired of it. My feelings are at stake here, and as Corvier would say, no one is going to treat you the way you want to be treated better than yourself, which has never been true for me, because all I do is fuck myself over royally, time and time again!

I�m making this about me. This is about him. I think.

"She also wants me to meet him. Why the fuck would I want to meet a nigga who is obviously still in love with Raederle? Yesterday she told me "Tre said he�s not sure how he�ll feel afterwards." In other words, he�s not sure how he�ll feel emotionally after he fucks Raederle knowing he already has a girlfriend. I�m not stupid... I�m not stupid at all."

WHAT? Oh my fucking God! No wonder! I said that Tre said he didn�t know how he�d feel seeing me after so long! I have not discussed fucking him over the phone! What the hell! Does he take anything I say for what it is? I�m so mad I keep tying everything all wrong! Without a backspace key, this would be a wreak. Oh fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!!! I told him I would not fuck him because it�s not worth his feelings, that it�s not that important, that... I have to lie now. I see no other way out. I have to lie and say that I would not even date Tre if he was the last man left on earth. How else can I...? Oh I just can�t. I�m a terrible liar, and I hate lying.

What can I do? What the fuck can I fucking do??? I need to stick to what I was going to do in the first place. Cut off contact with Tre. No more phone calls, no more mention of him. Nothing. Cold turkey. It�s not worth it. But then again, does it even matter when he wants to go out every night? Seriously. Should I be cutting off contact with my ex when he doesn�t even want to see me like... Ever?

I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE PAST THIS!!! This is so unfair! I want to kill somebody, I want someone to suffer this pain other than me. This is so fucking painfully unfair. I can�t say anything! Fuck, I wasn�t going to cry, but I�m just so helpless. I keep reading his writing, knowing it�s going to make me cry, every time. But how else would I have known?

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I want to be gutted. This is just so unfair, so miserable. So... WRONG! This isn�t where I�m supposed to be in life right now. I thought... I thought by the time I was eighteen after all this shit I�ve been through that I could finally...

"Her and Tre still want each other. I just hope Danyia and I don�t get fucked over because these two degenerates can�t be honest with each other."

Well that shut me up. Now I�m not even upset anymore. He�s just so wrong that I don�t even care anymore. I just simply will prove him wrong with time. Whatever. If he wants to stress himself out, call me a degenerate when he�s hanging out with Mark, who is the epitome of a degenerate, and works with nothing but... And to be compared to them is like labeling me worthless.

I already feel worthless. This is useless. My writing, my tears, my emotions. Detachment is the only way out. I need to stop caring so I can stop being hurt. There is no other way. If I keep caring I�m going to keep being crushed and that�s the simple fact of the matter. I�d like to say that I will, but I don�t know if I can, so I�m going to say I�ll try... I�m going to try my hardest not to cry, not to even show that I care the next time he leaves. No more hiding shoes, no more crying, no more begging. He�s a free man, as of now.

"As long as Tre and Raederle are friends, I�ll continue to hang out with my friends and enjoy myself. I don�t know how long Raederle and Tre will last without each other. If I knew for sure Raederle would be faithful, then I�d think twice and consider being more dedicated to this relationship. But to be honest, I don�t trust her. Not at all. And I don�t see why I should neglect my friends and freedom for some chick who doesn�t even know who she wants yet. She�ll say otherwise of course, but I won�t believe her."

Whatever Corvier. I�m going to pretend like I never read this. But I�m going to stop calling Tre. I�m not going mention him, not going to speak to him. Not that I�ve been calling Tre, as I�ve said a zillion times, he calls me. But I�m going to call him now and tell him not to call me anymore. I�ll tell him why too.

Seriously, how long will we last without each other? Dude, I have not seen the guy in ten months. We�ve been broken up since November 2006! What the fuck. If he knew for sure I�d be faithful? I�ve been faithful for seven months. What the fuck. What the fucking fuck. He doesn�t trust me, he never has, and he probably never will, and that�s because of Brianna. I can�t change that. Only time will. What I say or write is regardless, it doesn�t matter.

My actions will speak for me. I�m not going to change who I am, just what I do. No more Tre. And no more tears. Tears don�t work. I�ll cry when he can�t see me. I just don�t know how I�m going to bribe myself into this strict moderation of myself. No tears, no mention of Tre, no saying shit when he leaves for his friends. How will I resist looking cold and unhappy when I feel cold and unhappy? I need to absorb myself in something.

This is going to be hard, but I�m back to this... Back to my methods I had a young teen...

1. No mention of Tre, ever

2. No talking to Tre, ever

3. No tears in Corvier�s presence

4. No objections to his hanging out with friends

5. No dramatics in general

There. There it is. I�m going to do it. I am. And if I miss one, I�m going to... I�ll... Skip meals for a day. Ha! I can�t just not eat, so that will have to do it. Discipline is the key.

Yesterday :: Today