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September 5th

9:07 p.m. :: 2005-09-05

Jeremy,
I have resolved with myself that I wont see you, or at least, I wont set out to see you until I'm absolutly sure there is no chance for us, or that I want to be with you again. I've come to the conclusion that as a person, I do care for you more than Travanti. I'd love to be with you again. I want to be with you again. There are three factors that prevent me at this time from being with you. One, you don't have a job, or sourse of income, or anything that would lead me to beleive that you will in the neat future. Two, I am afraid of Travanti's reaction to me breaking up with him. I'm afraid of what he'll do. He could hurt me, he could hurt my family, my possesions... And number Three, if I were to break up with him the whole school would know the next day and would try to kill me. So basically, I'm afraid. Like you.

Thoughts of you consume my every thought it seems. I keep you out of my conversations, and out of my written words, because I'm afraid of Travanti discovering them. The day Travanti decides to read my online journal he'll kill me. I slant things towards him sometimes unconsiously out of fear of him reading it. But I'm so certain he'll never come here.

I miss you so much, I cry every night and come up with another excuse to blame my tears on when Travanti asks what's wrong. He's so mean to me when I cry. He just pushes me away and says he'll have nothing to do with me if I keep crying. Then I cry harder, because I keep telling myself you'd never do that. I tell myself all the time that I should leave Travanti, but I'm so afraid of what would happen. I keep thinking, just a little bit longer and I'll know what to do. Before I thought it would take until the end of the summer to know. Now I just want school to start. If school starts, and then I make friends who wont betray me just because of Travanti then I'll be safe on that ground. And if my job starts picking up a bit faster, after my second or third pay check I might feel more secure about money. The spirits tell me I'll have a good clean shot to leave Travanti toward the end of October. Just before one month before our year annaversery. Then, problem's one and three will be gone, only leaving my fear of what Travanti might do when I break up with him. I've also been thinking of ways to make him break up with me. But I'm not sure how. How can I just be bad girlfriend? I don't want to start extra fights and give myself more headaches than I already have. I want a clean break, with no horrible outcomes. I want peace. I want my mind to stop hurting. I want you. We'll take a martial arts together, and get fit together. We'll go to college together maybe. Or maybe we wont... I don't know. If I'm still with Travanti on my 17th birthday, then it's likely to be a life commitment.

I can't see that happening though. He says he's not "sprung" like he used to be. He says he doesn't have "faith" in us like he used to. And if that's true, there is no hope for him and I anyway.

I never changed how I felt for you. I just moved those feelings to somewhere so deep, so hidden, so remote that no one would find them, not even you.

*tear*

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