Yesterday :: Today


May 25th 2006

8:07 a.m. :: 2006-05-25

Jeremy,

My dreams of you recently have been replaced by nightmares. I can't seem to make the nightmares go away, I keep lying down to bed trying to think about you because it seems like you're the only thing I can dream about plesantly anymore. I never used to scream and sweat in my sleep like this. I guess my insides are more conflicted than I previously thought. I spent several months not thinking about you, so why have you floated back into my thoughts and dreams? Why does your name find it self slipping off of my tounge? I just now for the first time heard the song "unfaitful" by Rianna. I cried. I'm trying not to cry right now. The first time I cheated was hard, it felt terrible, it haunted me, but everytime after that time felt just as bad. It doesn't really get easier, it just becomes normal or like a habit, even though it hurts. I'm sorry I made you cheat on Janet. I'm sorry I ever cheated on you. I'm sorry for cheating on Travanti. I feel like those are the few truly wrong things I've done in my life.

I guess I'm thinking about you a lot because of how you used to tell me I was lucky because I was going to have a future and you weren't, but now everything is turned around, and now Travanti is the one with a future, and I feel like I'm nothing beside him. I'm just the darkness of his shadow looming behind. I'm so sorry I never understood, and that I took you in contempt, sorry that I took advantage of you, played with your emotions... I can remember hugging you, and how you really held on back, the pressure on my back and sides, your scent, and your energy. I never gave you any credit, and I wish I could make it up to you. But now it's too late, and we'll probably never meet again, so if you ever read this, this is all I can give.

-Raederle Phoenix West

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