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June 25th [Another Dream]

10:28 a.m. :: 2006-06-25

Jeremy,
I had another dream with you. It's strange, because so much crazy shit happened in this dream that it makes me wonder if maybe my spirit travels during the night and then enters your dreams. I know it wasn't me who was subcounsiously thinking about pirates and dreaming about them. I don't dream about boats. Not to mention there were a lot of people in the dream that I didn't know. All of which implys that it wasn't one of my normal dreams.
The farthest back in the dream that I can remember is finding you in the dream...


Everything was white, and slowly a path started in front of me. The floor was made of wooden planks, and walking across the floor came a figure. I couldn't tell who it was, or if I knew the person.
They came straight for me and put their arms around me, hugging me. I felt comforted and safe. A familure voice said, "I've found you. I've really found you!"
You stepped back and at first it was hard to place your face. Clean shaven, slightly pudgy face with clear skin. Hair short and picked out. Skin like creamerd coffee. It was your eyes that made me recognize you. Brown, expressionate, soft and knowing.
I put my arms around you, and when I let go the vision was no longer clouded.
I was on a ship on the deck. There were pirates fighting, and people talking, drinking, laughing...

The rest of the dream is kinda hazy. I know at some point I saw Travanti and another point I saw Jay, but both of those parts are blurry. The only part I remember other than hugging you was the part that happened before I woke up, which was me fighting and defeating a pirate. Your dreams must have weaker characters than mine or something, because usually I'm the loser.
What gets to me is how you looked. You were thinner, older, more refined. You looked like you might look now in real life. Though I've not thought about it, or imgined it, or even been thinking about it. All of which leads me to believe that my spirit must have met yours in my sleep.
Thinking about Jay made there little room to think about much else. Travanti, my job, my parents, this house, my writings, websites, church, recent events such as the physics exam I failed, and then Jay, Tiffany and such don't leave much room to think about you.
But sometimes you actually come up. I went to Thursday in the square a few days ago, and Ted said that he sees you only once in a while at the card shop. I told him to tell you I wanted to see you. Jay said, or maybe it was one of Jay's friend's that said it, that you were at the square the week before, and I told them to tell you if they see you that I was looking to see you.
I'm not moving as soon as expected now though. So now I have plenty of time to see you before I move. I won't be going until September, instead of July. So that is several more months that I'm going to have.
I can't believe sometimes how far things have gone without you. I was so crazy about you, so wrapped up in you, so in love with you, and I felt like I was on fire when you left me, like I was burning to death, but ever so slowly. And before I died all the way, the fire finally went out. And for a long time I was just burned and ashy. I was kinda like a zombie for a while there. Now I'm all recovered and new things to worry about. And yet a part of me that never dies all the way still knows you, still loves you, still misses you, still seeks you out in my dreams.
I guess the part of me that needed to be with you will always be alive, just close to silent as time wears on. I'm not who I was before, and I don't think you would ever want to care about me again anyway. But I keep feeling like something is missing in this life, and that part of me that still cries and burns inside claims it's you.
Unfortunatly no matter what my emotions tell me, I know that I couldn't be friends with you. Travanti would never allow it. It would probably be awkward anyway. What would we do or say?
I'd like to just sit there with you, talk for hours like we used to. I'd like to play a game of 'stratigo' (sp?) with you again. I want you to win one, and me to win one, and then us both to try our very hardest on the third game, and by the fourth just let the peices fall where they want to.
I remember that. I remember the game we played, the game that was supposed to determine our relationship. I remember my false confidence, and my nervous laughter. I remember how silent and grim you seemed. How ditant you already were.
I think I could really understand you better now than I could then. I've learned so much about people. I've learned from my mistakes.
I really did learn, you'd be proud of me. I met a guy I liked. His name is Jay. I wanted to sleep with him, I day dreamed about it, I thought about it constantly. But I held on, I didn't kiss him, I didn't touch him in his private areas, I didn't take my clothes off, I didn't let him touch me there either. I didn't cheat! I did it. I pulled through it, I waited for my lust to wear off instead of succumbing. And I found out that I made the right choice, because he wasn't worth it at all. All that he said to me were just lines and lies.
You would be so proud Jeremy. You should have seen the strength over myself I have now. Yes, it was hard, it was like a battle for me, but the fact of the matter is, I won over myself. And I want to tell you how grateful I am. Because you started me on that road. You made me want to be... a lady.

~Raederle Phoenix

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