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July 8th 2006

1:02 p.m. :: 2006-07-08

Jeremy,
It was so strange to see you again. It was also strange to read an entry you wrote in your new journal. I still feel the old connection between us, and I'm not sure how to handle it or feel about it. I keep asking myself if it's wrong to still dream and think about you. I wrote this to you in an entry recently;

"I'm sorry I took over your old journal, but it being a gold account at the time, and being paid by my mom, I kinda felt a right to it. I also needed a place where I could write to you, even if you would never read them, I needed to talk to you somehow, and to feel like it was really you, and for a while it really made me feel better, now sometimes I do it just because I feel I have things I want to specifically say to you."

I want to talk to you often. Randomly through my normal everyday days I feel urges to talk to you, but I know you're not here, are not going to be here, and that I can't bring you here, and so I try to pretend I'm talking to you by writing here.

In the entry you wrote, the middle part where it said; (The part about me, heh.)

"on another note i wivited my ex . . . and . . . she is every bit as . . . striking as i left her. i only stoped in because everyone i know who knows her took the time to sit me down and tell me that she was asking about me. it was refreshing to be around people who knows me but are not involved in my life . . . i decided to try to limit my time there. i never felt so right yet so out of place at the same time."

It felt refreshing and right to be around you, but so out of place at the same time. I did ask everyone about you. I told chuck to tell you I was looking for you at the square, and Deanna too. I gave a message to TuJuan to pass on to you. I told Tina back when she was still in Buffalo to tell you I was looking for you if she saw you. I told ted that as well. So I wouldn't be surprised.

I wish I could see you around, but I can't be alone with you or Travanti would have a fit, and I can't have you over here very often or Travanti would go insane, and I can't go over your house because Travanti would straight up leave me for that.

So why don't you go to the sqaure next week? I can talk to you a little more and we can enjoy each other's company in a nutral setting. I can only hope, since you didn't turn the notes on in your new journal and I don't have any way of contacting you.

This friend of mine on diaryland, Nicole, recently got left by this guy she really loved. His name was Nick, and Nicole goes on and on about how she can't live without Nick, and how she misses him doing small things like gurgling his coke, and the freckle on his ear. It reminded me of a lot of things about you. I wrote her the following note:

Nicole, It's been about a year and a half since Jeremy left me, and Jeremy and I were together for a little over a year and a half. I still remember a lot of the little things about him. I remember that he can't get up in the morning without his glasses because he can't see anything at all without them, and if he can't see, he won't get out of bed. I remember his favorite spot in the whole world is the waterfront where there is a man-made path going over the lake. I remember the couple times we broke up and got back together, and the things that made the breakups happen, and the things that made us get back together. I remember that he challenged me to a board game, and it was supposed to be that if I won, then he wouldn't leave me. Funny, I don't remember who won, but I think it was me, and he just left anyway. I remember all of that. But much of it has faded. I don't remember why we argued all the time, and I don't remember what we talked about until three in the morning. I don't remember his favorite food anymore. I know his favorite animal is a liger, the offspring of a lion and a tiger. But you know, if you really love the guy, you're going to feel something for them forever I think. But over time you grow at peace with the fact that they are a memory and not a current reality. It begins to feel like the memories are dreams you had last night rather than actual events. It's a depressing process, but life does move on, even if you don't move on with it. I wish you the best as always. ~Phoenix

Just having you here for a couple hours reminded me of exactly how you talk, how you put your words together. Talking to Travanti all the time has completely messed up my speach patterns. I used to talk so much more inteligently, when I talked to you. My writing has actually gotten better though, because I've learned about a lot of things from him, and he got me into different kinds of books which have effected my writting.

I miss you. I really truly miss having you in my life. And honestly, if I had a time machine I'd rewind to the day I met you. Maybe I'd just go back to when I was going out with Will. I'd breakup with Will, tell Ronnie to fuck off, and I'd make the best of friends with you. I'd probably fall in love with you all over again that way, but I'd already know you, so if you asked me out, I'd tell you that I'd much rather be friends, and hold in my tears until I let them out at night. I'd seak out Travanti and see if I could work something out with him, see if he was different a couple years before I origionally met him. Maybe I'd stay single if I could rewind time, relationships seem to end up hurting me one way or another.

But at least if I had never dated you I could be friends with you now, and if whatever guy I was dating asked if I could be trusted around you I could say, "Who Jeremy? He's like a brother to me, you know I would never do anything with him." And secretly inside a part of me could be allowed to love you, and I could see you everyday and no one would think to question. But it will never be that way, so I better stop day dreaming now.

No one ever forgets their first love. I certainly will never forget you. ~Raederle

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